Life changes

Where do I even start? I have to warn this might get a little deep, but it’ll be the only way I can tell you what’s up.

I took a one month summer vacation in July, didn’t plan it beforehand as well as I could so def next time need to do it 100% properly. It kind of happened and I made the decision after the beginning of the month it’ll be my vacation. Anyway I needed to clear my mind and shortly put just go offline. I had no idea what offline-time could do to you, this was my first experience ever. I felt so much more at peace, happy with myself, didn’t fear missing out on anything, simply lived in the moment. Everything felt so real and present. When there’s a lot happening offline-time can be the best thing to do.

To go back in time a little bit: the beginning of the year was hard. (Well everyone knows 2020 is messed up.) There was a lot I could not talk about that I kept to myself, just tried to survive and keep my head together. While still talking on my IG about (possible) panic attacks, stress-related symptoms and starting therapy all over again, so I guess it wasn’t a secret I had difficult times. I often felt like I didn’t have anything to offer to anyone. And that combined to having a job around creativity is not the best combination. I’m feeling a little sorry for my bank account, but I couldn’t have done anything differently.

2020 has still been the most important year for me ever. As cliché as it is I don’t regret anything that have ever happened since it has brought me here. I don’t feel numb, I feel alive. For the first time in a long time I’ve started to dream about future again, dream about content I’ll create, I dare to be myself and trust that it’s enough, I trust people and I trust life. There are always things to work on and I feel fine with it too, life would be boring if everything was complete. I even love the incompleteness. But the best thing ever is to feel.

Mistähän sitä alottaisi… Pidin heinäkuun mittaisen loman ja otin ekaa kertaa ikinä myös kunnon lomaa somesta. Offline-aika teki niin hyvää ettei sanat riitä. Ensi kerralla tosin suunnittelen ja aikataulutan loman tarkemmin etukäteen, nyt kaikki kävi vähän puolivahingossa. Hetkessä eläminen, kaiken ylimääräisen melun hiljentäminen, rauha ja aitous oli täydellistä.

Instagramin puolella on ehkä pystynyt arvelemaan että henkilökohtaisen elämän puolella on tapahtunut yhtä jos toista tänä vuonna. 2020 on varmasti ollut kaikille erilainen ja sekava vuosi. Tuntui kuitenkin tosi haastavalta yhdistelmältä työ somessa ja luovissa projekteissa, kun henkilökohtaisessa elämässä oli asioita jotka vei voimia. Tuli usein fiilis, ettei ole mitään annettavaa kenellekään. Alkuvuodesta kerroin mahdollisista paniikkikohtauksista, stressiperäisistä oireista ja terapian aloituksesta pitkästä aikaa. Sain aivan valtavasti apua kaikkien viesteistä ja yritin pitää yllä aitoutta somessa, vaikkei pystynytkään puhumaan asioista täysin avoimesti. Oon aina ollut tosi harkitseva siitä mitä kerron somessa, jos se koskettaa myös muita ihmisiä.

2020 on silti ollut tärkein vuosi mulle ikinä. Niin kliseistä kuin se onkin, ei kaduta mikään enkä muuttaisi mitään. Ekaa kertaa pitkään aikaan unelmoin tulevaisuudesta kaikilla saroilla. Uskallan olla oma itseni ja luotan siihen että se riittää, luotan muihin ihmisiin, elämään ja siihen että kaikki menee just niinkuin pitääkin. Ja rakastan kaikkea keskeneräisyyttä, sen hyväksyminen antaa niin paljon rauhaa ja tekee elämästä mielenkiintoista. Tunnen tällä hetkellä olevani niin elossa, en yhtään turta. Se on paras fiilis ikinä, kun ylipäätään tuntee.

Talk to you soon ❤️ Thank you for being there.

Pian lisää ❤️ Kiitos kun ootte.

23 Comments

  • Neera
    August 15, 2020 at 2:45 pm

    Good for you ❤

    Reply
  • Anonymous
    August 15, 2020 at 3:07 pm

    Yes girl ?keep fingers crossed for you , happy to hear you feel better now

    Reply
  • Anastasia
    August 15, 2020 at 4:01 pm

    I missed you everyday
    Continuing to write your blog, please
    Your lyrics, photos and thoughts are so beautiful

    Reply
  • Eva Cardol
    August 15, 2020 at 4:14 pm

    Hi Mariannan, it’s so nice to hear from you and to hear that you took time for yourself and feel better now 🙂 I’m looking forward to your future posts and plans!

    Reply
  • Lovisa
    August 15, 2020 at 6:09 pm

    You are so brave by sharing this <3 it is so important to be real, with our family, friends, on IG, but mostly with ourselves. It is okay not to be okay sometimes:) but it is not easy to accept the hardship we go through as people. To admit that it is not going great, that we are dealing with things. But it is important that we do. Accept, the act:) wishing you all the best Marianna, sending lots of love!!

    Reply
  • Tanja
    August 15, 2020 at 8:19 pm

    Wonderful, I am happy for you! Wish you the best to go further with whatever might occur.

    Reply
  • Karolina
    August 15, 2020 at 8:51 pm

    Hello Marianna, I’ve been reading your blog since ever, and because od you I fall in love with Finland 🙂 You have nothing to be ashamed of, I also have panic attacks sometimes, and I assume that these days everyone has problems with a stress. Keep doing what you’re doing, you are doing it very well 🙂 thank you for your effort that you’ve been giving to this blog 🙂

    Reply
  • Valerie
    August 15, 2020 at 9:48 pm

    I’ve been reading your blog for 8 years now (in Ireland) I love your blog and I have to say that today is the first time you have looked at the camera, it’s lovely you should do it more lots of love Valerie

    Reply
  • Aimee
    August 16, 2020 at 12:45 am

    I missed hearing from you, but self-care is priority #1! I’m glad you enjoyed the break and gained more peace, and you’re inspiring because you always highlight the positive! <3

    Reply
  • Rachel
    August 16, 2020 at 1:41 am

    Hi Marianna,

    I’ve been following your blog for 10+ years and haven’t left a comment until now – you’ve given me so much inspiration over the years and reading your blog is like catching up with an old friend 🙂

    I’m so pleased that you are so content and happy and found a special someone <3 there will be other silent readers like me who support you every step of the way! Looking forward to see where life takes you next <3

    Reply
  • Nancy
    August 16, 2020 at 2:48 am

    Thanks for sharing with us! We are here for you love! ?

    Reply
  • Dixiwonderland.com
    August 16, 2020 at 10:59 am

    Been here for so many years! Before you started translating your post to English. I´m happy that you took some time off. It´s really important for everyone to do that. Wish you all the best <3

    Reply
  • Pretty! All the best to you ?✨

    Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog
    http://charmainenyw.com

    Reply
  • L
    August 16, 2020 at 5:22 pm

    Oli aivan ihanaa lukea tätä, ja oon tosi onnellinen sun puolesta! <3

    Turtana olo ja tunne ettei olisi mitään annettavaa on liiankin tuttu, ja tuntuu pahalta että oot joutunut kokemaan sitä varsinkin kun tää vuosi on jo itsessään ollut erityisen haastava. Siksi on erityisen ihanaa että nyt puhaltaa uudet tuulet ja sulla on kaikkea ihanaa tiedossa 🙂

    Hyvää loppukesää ja onnea tulevaan muuttoon! <3

    Reply
  • Catarina Morais
    August 16, 2020 at 7:12 pm

    I am so so happy to hear that you are finally feeling better! I wish you nothing but the best, Marianna 🙂 Welcome <3

    http://www.catarinamorais.com | @catarinalmorais

    Reply
  • Jolien
    August 16, 2020 at 9:26 pm

    Such an honest point of view towards life and its imperfections.

    Much love,
    Jolien from Dreams Unfolded

    Reply
  • Isabelle
    August 17, 2020 at 10:49 am

    This was beautiful!Reading this made me so happy! I have been following you since around 2012 and always found your blog to be so authentic. Lots of love and I’m looking forward to see what comes next.
    xxx

    Reply
  • Mariam
    August 17, 2020 at 1:48 pm

    Olipa mukava kuulla sinusta ja vieläpä hyviä asioita ja uutisia. Olin kyllä kaipaillut ja käynyt vilkaisemassa monta kertaa blogiasi… Oikein hyvää jatkoa!

    Reply
  • Lisa Autumn
    August 17, 2020 at 6:26 pm

    Thinking of you lovely! Hope you are doing well x

    Lisa | lisaautumn.com

    Reply
  • Melody
    August 18, 2020 at 4:39 pm

    Lots of love for you Marianna <3
    I'm here since 2011, like a lot of people in the comments 🙂
    Even if I miss your lovely posts and having news from you, self-care is the most important and your time off was such a good idea !
    I hope that you feel good, take your time we will be here 🙂 <3

    Reply
  • Catarina
    August 18, 2020 at 7:14 pm

    Dear Marianna,
    I have been following you for so many years, since I found you one day on Lookbook; and you have the only blog that I still follow until this day. I feel as if we have been friends for all these years 🙂

    I’m so happy to know that you’re feeling better. I can’t wait to follow you in this new chapter & I hope it will be full of love and happiness! Wish you the best ❤️

    Reply
  • Caroline
    August 19, 2020 at 10:02 pm

    Wow. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I’ve been following you since 2011 and I think this is one of the most important and deepest posts I’ve ever seen from you. And I love it. I felt what you’ve written. It’s so brave, lovely and great that you show a soft side of you. I appreciate that. It makes you more authentic 🙂 (but I love your blog anyway).
    I really hope that you’re getting better soon and start to live out your creativity again.
    Enjoy your life! Think of wonderful things.

    I’m looking forward to read your great post and wish you the best <3 keep your head up. Especially your heart.

    Kind regards, Caro from Germany

    Reply
  • Sheri
    August 20, 2020 at 5:35 am

    Aw beautiful as always. Think about all the people that don’t leave comments, I too have been coming back to your blog for yearsss. It’s ok to no be ON all the time. Its not normal to be living for others 24/7. Do you more often, the authenticity, just like this, will be appreciated even more. Sad to hear you say that your emotions made you feel like you don’t have anything to offer. Your photos literally are a breath of fresh air, even the simplest things. This is why Iv always returned to your blog, for your energy from the content you put out. Sending you positive vibes. Thanks for sharing. xoxo

    Reply

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